Peri Schmeri

After almost two years of night sweats I have had to stop pretending I have pneumonia and believe my (young, attractive, definitely unmenopausal) GP that I am in that state known as ‘perimenopause’. I have been in denial as I didn’t even really think it was a thing – and actually spell-check agrees with me, so there!

It’s an unattractive thought – sorry but no matter how much of a feminist I cannot get my head around this and pneumonia really is a more alluring option right now. When she (the young, attractive, definitely unmenopausal GP) first suggested that she take blood to check my hormone levels I almost choked on my Haribos – menopause, moi? I was only 48, just a child surely? Had I not given birth at nearly 43 years old? My levels were all doing just fine thanks! Look at me, I have my own hair (ok – a few greys…disguised cunningly with new blonde highlights), I have my own teeth (yes I lost one eating a soft boiled egg – that happens to everyone right?) wrinkles, dry skin?…I’ve done a lot of laughing (although my seven year old did remark that ‘nothing is THAT funny, mum!’ Cheers kiddo).

The list of perimenopause symptoms is long and really could,  if I can be logical here, (#I’m in denial) also be caused by a host of any number of different ailments, mostly tropical diseases. I have only been camping in East Sussex this summer so this maybe a stretch too far I grant you, but you get my point.

Symptoms can include:

Ok, maybe I hung my hopes too heavily on the whole tropical disease thing, although I’m pretty sure with dengue and malaria that fatigue is an issue and I’m also pretty sure no one has actually checked for vaginal dryness in that situation so we can’t rule them out, apart from the whole camping in East Sussex sitch (having said that, there was a stream and I definitely saw a mosquito, so…….let’s not be too hasty, eh?)

As for difficulty sleeping – well, I have five kids – ’nuff said.

Mood swings – well, I have five kids – ’nuff said!

I had never heard of ‘peri’menopause, I thought peri was a type of cider or the blonde one from Little Mix (see, how can I be that old? I am so down with the kids). I Googled it – obvs – and ‘Peri’, according to Wikipedia, is an exquisite winged fairy-like spirit’ from Persian mythology. I liked this better, however, further reading stated that this spirit was an agent of evil (who said mood swings?) and who would be denied paradise until they have done penance – Well, I have five kids – ’nuff said.

I genuinely thought I was ill when the night sweats started, but I have to now accept that it is what it is – age – and I know, I know that being allowed to get old is a whole lot better than the alternative and I should be grateful ya-de-ya-de-ya but it’s tough, it’s an end to something, an end to youth and fertility and….hold on,

‘Can I get pregnant if I am perimenopausal?

Yes. Despite a decline in fertility during the perimenopause stage, you can still become pregnant. If you do not want to become pregnant, you should continue to use some form of contraception until you are definitely past the menopause (you have gone 12 months without having a period).’

So I have to suffer much more painful periods, thanks to a couple of ‘golf-ball’ sized fibroids, (why is everything either compared to a ball size, a football pitch or an Olympic swimming pool? Although I’m relieved, in this case, that the ball comparison was used!) I have to sweat like a pig (although the smart-arse seven year old informs me ‘pigs don’t sweat’), I have to make sure that a toilet is never more than a cough or sneeze away, there is a chance I may have to invest in some kind of lubricant (does WD40 count? We have the obligatory rusted can under the stairs somewhere….hiding there with my elusive libido no doubt)….and I can STILL get pregnant! Holy shit…..I have five kids, ’nuff said!



Perils of Daytime TV

I have the attention span of a gna…..

I logged on to pay my credit card bill, organise some Student Finance shizz (did I mention that I’m a mature student? Lol, as they say) but ‘accidentally’ switched the TV on too. Having watched Eamon and Ruth interview a family who took their children out of school for two years to go travelling I have now found (today’s) obsession! We are going travelling. Just got to see Gok dress some randoms first.

I’ve already read ‘Can We Live Here?’ by Sarah Alderson, having seen her on BBC Breakfast last week, so I definitely know what I’m talking about! She said ‘fuck it’ to everything, took out a bank loan for a ‘new bathroom’ and bought round the world tickets for herself, her husband and small child.

Sarah Alderson's global search for adventure and a place to live.
Sarah Alderson’s global search for adventure and a place to live.

Of course there is a issue in the fact that we rent, so can’t get a huge loan for refurbs, damn. And I’m one year into a degree and I’m going to be a granny for the first time in October! But the belief that I will, one day, travel the world is there and that’s the main thing because…..hold on….winner of ‘Come Dine With Me’ just being….what….that nob?? ……..because I want an adventure so that’s what I’m going to get!

Right, best pay my credit card…..ouch….looks like I won’t be travelling  first class on that! I wonder if Student Finance…..fuck it!


I am not an adult. Technically, yes, of course, yes I am an adult. I have five sons to prove that, four of whom are adults themselves, one of whom is about to become a daddy, an adult world awaits him, a place where he is supposed to have all of the answers and know how to make small humans feel safe and believe that the time when they have to be adults is a million miles away.

I  think my adults (OK, I’m going to stop using that word), I think my parents must have done too good a job at making the adult world seem like another dimension, one where I didn’t really have to go if I didn’t feel like. Stupidly, I visited the teenage place and felt that I was awesome at being a teenager and would probably be equally awesome being an adult. WRONG. post-59200-I-cant-adult-today-meme-Imgur-jQSr